Shhhhh, I'm hiding in the bushes..... don't make a sound. I was looking for the cat ("what cat?", I hear you say, but that's for another time) but I've just noticed and neat looking, well-scrubbed couple knocking at the door, complete with apple-cheeked child. It can only be.... The Jehovah's Witnesses. Bugger the CH! He will insist on speaking to them, usually something along the lines of "You really should speak to my wife. She'd be very interested to hear what you have to say", and then they think they've got you.
Sod! The cat's just made a break for freedom so I must break my cover to head him off before he joins the West Country Flat Cat Society. I yell an obscenity. In the presence of the Godly I have this bizarre urge to blaspheme. Put me in front of a nun and it's a nightmare. I was nearly thrown out of a friend's wedding for contastly taking the Lord's name in vain in the presence of Sister Mary. I didn't mean it, it just, well, slipped out!
The JWs look just a little bit surprised to see a bra-less middle aged (in body only) woman, dressed in the sort of shorts and skimpy top that should never be seen in polite company, come charging out of the bushes, twigs in her hair, to rugby tackle a hairy ginger feline, intent on escape.
I juggle the cat, not very successfully, and hurl him through the back door with only a few flesh wounds - me, not the cat.
"Hello" I say brightly, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, is the CH here? My wife spoke to him during the week and we said we'd drop round again"
A hex on him! He's down in the orchard digging up the potatoes. I should flaming well take them down there and let him deal with it but no, instead I say "I'm so sorry but he's out" as I try to usher them towards the gate but they stand firm.
"Well in that case.........." and so the spiel starts. What do I think of the state of the world - fairly crap but could be worse. Do I think there is value in the teaching of Jesus Christ? - no, there's no monetary value at all. What other value is there? And so on and so on.......
I try the 'I'm Jewish' number, which usually has them running for the hills muttering prayers for the souls of 'The Ones that Crucified Him' but no, things must be tough in JW World because even that didn't put them off.
Meanwhile, The Child is intent on kicking the soil out of the flower beds and on to the path. God may smile on the righteous but he clearly doesn't give them any better parenting skills.
Finally, we're on to the real reason for their visit. They're having a JW beano in Cardiff and would I like to come along, "even just for an hour". As if! Does he know how far Cardiff is from me? Better still, does he not know how I feel about the Welsh? (sorry to any Welsh readers, it's a totally irrational Walesphobia, which is unjustified and frankly childish but does allow for plenty of comedy). The idea of going to a JW convention in Cardiff? Why, I'd sooner crucify myself!
Anyway, leaflet clutched in sweating palm, I agreed to 'consider' it (Consider it highly unlikely!). Better go and make myself decent just in case the Mormons come round.
Guest post by womagwriter Shane Telford
12 hours ago